The Boys: Class of 2019-20 PART ONE

Well hello, friends and strangers of the internet!

I have so much to share in this edition. You may or may not remember my post “The Boys of November” from a couple years ago, but I’m back for more. I could have limited the post to a season, but it just didn’t fit according to the level of shitshow that has ensued for what has been the last 6 or seven months. I truly just don’t know where to start. The true tragedy in all of this is that I may not be able to pull up screenshots due to the fact that I got a new phone at the end of 2019, but damn it, I will try to provide the content the people want to see.

(If you can’t make it all the way through, please for the love of god read about Omar. Please please please. It is worth it and I cackle every time i hear his /real/ name.)

I recently dove into the podcast Call Her Daddy, and I’m truly ashamed of how many experiences we have in common. I have really enjoyed the show, not particularly for self development or even comedy in the true sense of the word, but because I literally am living that life. I know a lot of what they discuss is “crude” or whatever, but I don’t even necessarily mean that; it is simply that the stories this girl gives us that are probably exaggerated for content truly cannot compete with The Class of 2019-20. Buckle up, we are in for a wild ride.

*Names have been changed to protect the guilty

1. Barney*

Oh, dear Barney– I just… I had such hope for you. So I technically met ol’ Barn at the end of 2018, but the fun really began in 2019. This one was so sweet and precious. All my friends liked him. He was very intelligent came from a nice family, blah blah blah. So let me tell you about this man. He “talked” (Side note: talking is dumb. Date or don’t. Which is a moral of most of these stories) to me for 3 months-ish. He took me on a trip which was super romantic and cute and sweet and I enjoyed it! He was the type that was a real hand-holder, forehead-kisser, emoji-sender. True boyfriend material. HOWEVER this was kinda getting old because it was the classic “oh shit what do I tell my friends when they’re like ‘who is Barney?’ because i mean is he a friend is he my boyfriend is he this man i hold hands with from time to time I DONT KNOW.” So before our daily facetime, I texted him and told him I wanted to kinda discuss the future. (I said it in smoother terms that didn’t sound like doom and dread) and he was all like “Okay yeah! :D” or something of the sort. Left dinner early to facetime him, and the guy talked with me for like 15-20 minutes and was like “oh yeah you wanted to talk about us!” And I’m like “yeah!” and he just casually and conversationally goes “Oh yeah so I think it would be better if we were friends.”

What the actual fuck.

“Okay yeah! :D”, chats for 15 minutes casually, ESSENTIALLY ENDS THE WHOLE POTENTIAL RELATIONSHIP. I just feel that we could have really cut to the chase and avoided the micro version of leading me on since we already did that for 3 months! I cried I talked to my friend Calvin* and it was horrible because it was THREE DAYS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY but here we are and I found solace in the fact that the man was the hairiest person I’ve ever met so good riddance, bye, see ya later.

2. Joseph*

What can I really say about Joseph other than the fact that his name is biblical for a reason. This guy was so cute. Handsome and just sweet. We had similar interests, I enjoyed talking to him, he had such great energy and was so happy all the time, but then something came to my attention. He was happy all the time. The convo could literally play out like this:

J: what’s up???

K: I had a horrible day– the fire department came to my apartment, I tripped up the stairs in my heels, and forgot to send in a payment that was due. (These all happened today, I’m just using an example OKAY GUYS?)

J: Oh but at least the sun is out and the birds are singing!

Okay.

So if you know me at all…as a person…or as a blogger… you know that I don’t even have the capacity to be that cheery on a good day, let alone every f-ing day of the week. It started to wear on me. He also seemed to be very non-physically-affectionate which I am too to an extent, but he seemed the type that i might have to ask his parents’ permission to give him a hug or something. Then it got a little wild. March Madness was happening, and my Duke boys took Columbia by storm and this child WENT TO THE HOTEL AND FOUND THE TEAM’S ROOMS AND STALKED THEM OUT. I get it, I definitely hung out by a press-only hallway and met Coach K, but like… this is too far! So between the cheer and the stalking, and I was pretty on edge, but I felt bad because I didn’t want to ditch this guy because he was easily excitable. So Calvin* gave me a test that made me laugh out loud, but also might hold some water (no pun intended): Order an alcoholic beverage at dinner. If he orders a girly liquor drink: fine. If he orders a beer: better. If he orders a soda: ehhh. If he orders a water: yikes. If he orders a water with lemon: run. Naturally he liked his water a little tangy. I drank my liquor like the degenerate I am while he talked for pretty much two hours straight like he just main-lined some coke, and eventually I peaced out of there.

(Joseph found a wonderful wholesome girl so don’t worry everyone.)

3. Calvin*

Oh, where to begin with this one? Well, buddy, since I’m willing to bet money that you read these, god, let me just say that something about this one fffuuuuucccckkkkkeddddd up my psyche on a different level.

I almost didn’t include this one, as to not take away from the humor, but I think after all this time, I share the story and as a bonus maybe it explains why the following men were all utter shitshows! Welcome to the storm, I hope someone here likes psychology.

This one is not some guy I dated, or batted my eyes at, or annoyed me until the point of being blocked. This one has feelings attached to it in a much different sense. This fool was my confidant, my wingman, my friend. He knew all the bad things I did and told me all the bad things he did, and we were so close! He helped me get through a very difficult 6 months, and he actually cited me as a reason he didn’t transfer schools, but little did I know I would need him for so much longer than he was willing to stay. (Sorry I’m getting deep for this one, but then I’ll return to the humor, bc believe me, there is some humor.)  This dude literally was so much like me in male form that it was just natural when we met. We never stopped talking, and being awkward and it was just glorious. Naturally, as one does when they have an attractive male friend, we were hanging out and we crossed that friendship line. This was still the smoothest move/kiss I’ve ever had, so I’m gonna keep the details to myself. (God, I hope he’s not reading this– he doesn’t need the confidence.) Needless to say, I thought things would go to hell after that, but they didn’t. We stayed friends, we talked it out in a healthy manner and it was FINE!

“WHAT?”

“HOW?”

Right.  Well that is what makes this story so messed up. Then as time went by, he started talking to this girl. He was gushing over her and talking about how they were so great and blah blah blah. (I swear that’s not disgust you’re hearing…) Meanwhile I had picked up communication with a mutual member of her circle and mine, and she was like, “aren’t you friends with Calvin?” and I’m like “yeah! You keep an eye on him and tell him to be good!” And she was kinda weird about it, and I prodded further,

and guys, I’m going to share this word for word because I need people to know what I heard to understand why I did what I did. 

This girl said “well I just don’t think it’s like that.” and I was like “what do you mean? of course its like that. they’re a thing” and she says “well, I think it’s one sided. She literally said to me ‘I wish he would stop with all the cuddling bullshit and just fuck me and leave.'”

………you guys. I didn’t know what to do. I clearly was not in a great place to mention this to him because he was going to think it was mY fEeLiNgS getting in the way, but like… he was head over heels for this chick. (He talked to me about how he was gonna ask her to be his gf THE DAY BEFORE THIS HAPPENED.) So I talked to one of his circle and he’s like “I think you need to decide if your dignity or his feelings are more important.” And naturally I chose him. Not only because I cared, but also because I had been there before. So next time he snapchatted me it was about her, and I was like, “Calvin, I gotta tell you something. I was talking to Hannah*, and this is what Cocaina* is saying about you behind your back _______. I’m sorry, I know it is not my place to say anything, but I needed to let you know or else I would never forgive myself.”

AND HE BLOCKED ME. MY BEST FRIEND AT THE TIME BLOCKED ME.

I texted him and was like “What the fuck?” and he apologized and he said he just needed some time and blah blah. So the days went on and I found reasons to message him but he was always short. At that point my conscience was freed, and if he wanted to make the mistakes after I warned him, that was on him. So I happened to be around where he lived, and there were certain special occasions that I would drop things off at his door/car (I’m a serial cookie baker, if you know me, I have probably brought you cookies or food spontaneously at some point. It is my love language. Lol) and this was one of them, so I dropped off a funny thing and some cookies on my way out, and waited for him to text me back but it didn’t happen.

So finally, me being who I am, I reached out and was like “did you see your car?” and he said “yes.” and I said “okay…is everything okay?” and he said “actually no. you’re making Cocaina* very uncomfortable.” So I essentially said “oh so fuck me right?” and gave him an earful and left.

Finally the night I had to work an event that he showed up to. He walked in sheepishly and participated, then as he was walking out he cornered me and started pleading super emotionally, and was like “i’m so sorry, Karina. I just don’t know what to do. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.” and I just stopped listening, kept working and said “its fine Calvin.” and walked away.

Honestly, I have a lot of regrets about that.

And that was the last time we truly spoke (other than the fact that I started working in his area and my job had me interact with him a few times, but no apologies, no anything. And a couple letters I wrote, dignity aside) and it really really sucked.

Important Note: All that and I still stand by that I’m pretty sure Calvin is a good human.  Seeing what I saw and knowing him as I did, I believe there had to have been more of a reason for how it went down, and sure, it sucks that I will never get the sense of closure on why. I still hope the best for Calvin despite our differences.

 

Now back to our regularly scheduled shitshow programming.

 

1B. Barney (2nd Edition)

Here we go again. I don’t even remember where he came from or why he contacted me, but I had pretty intense negative feelings for ‘ol Barney when he reached out, with some form of groveling. But I figured it might be fun to get a little revenge and give him a little taste of his own medicine, so I allowed for him to speak with me. (Please refer me to a therapist?) I would haphazardly respond to his texts, and I let him know I was going to an event in his area one evening and he begged and begged to let him take me out and I was like “yeah sure whatever” because I knew Coach K was gonna be there and that was literally the only thing I cared about, so he could have been offering me a Ferrari and Coach K was still coming first. When I got to the event, he was texting me off and on, and essentially flaked, but the whole time I was waiting to run into Coach K and then I did, and I met him and shook his hand and he was so kind, so truthfully I kinda just forgot that Barney existed.

Then while at work at the job I was hating at the time, I decided to be a creep and look at his facebook (okay if we are being honest, I was trying to decide if I even thought this man was attractive anymore, because A) i truly had not seen his face in 6 months, and B) I was not attracted to him anymore) and this man had a whole ass girlfriend ON his facebook out there for everyone to see. When I say I took my break and went the hell off on this man, I threatened everything in the book. No shame. I told him that he was clearly trash if he was trying to LITERALLY SEDUCE ME OVER TEXT MESSAGE WHEN THERE WAS A RELATIONSHIP ON HIS FACEBOOK HE WAS TOO STUPID TO BLOCK ME ON. Then he blocked me on everything and slithered back into the abyss he came from.

Note: I did ponder telling the girl, but honestly, I didn’t even feel like it was worth it because he was pretty much scum and I had to interest in being involved in his affairs any longer.

4. Mack

The return of the Mack. This guy was someone who came in and out of my life at his own will because he was one of those that comes around when you’re fairly young, and for some reason your self-esteem is never quite right when it comes to them. So I think I ran into him at his work or at 5P or something and we started talking. It was nice, and comfortable (and stupid) so I let Mack return, and mind you, this was simultaneous with ol Barney’s return, but given the dramatic history regarding Mack, this was probably worse.

Nonetheless, the Calvin situation turned me into a real idiot, clearly.

So Mack was back and we hung out a few times. I remember him coming to my work to bring me a little surprise and it was very cute and earned brownie points because all my co-workers got to see it. There was nothing particularly egregious about Mack’s brief return, simply that when I moved to Newberry, he kinda dissipated, but I kind of expected that given the drama-filled backstory there. (Excerpt from that backstory: Almost dated when I was 19-20, he went all 20-something-male and wigged out and ran into the woodwork, I had the opportunity to go to a party involving him, I went and made him jealous, we had a really dramatic talk, he came back briefly, and he ran off again, and I basically told him good riddance.)

 

5. Morgan (but his friends call him Mo and I hate it)*

Morgan was someone where my friend was friends with both of us and she essentially smushed us together and said “okay, now kiss.”

She had told me how fun *Mo* was and how he was so talkative and easy to hang out with. I actually met him for the first time away from home when I got dragged somewhere with a large group. It was a lot of fun, but I literally could not get this man to speak to me, no matter how much my gal wanted him to. We ended up using social lubricant to ease conversation, and he was pretty cool, I suppose. Truthfully, it was just that everyone was coupled up and we were the odd ones out so I guess we decided to cling to one another. We hung out a lot in groups after this, and the thing was, it was literally like when you’re throwing a rager in your room and you hear your mom coming so you pretend to be asleep; he would be a blast until I showed up and then it was deadpan.

This was just a really uncomfortable situation and I’m not sure if he was nervous or hated me because I could not get this man to talk to me. If ‘meh’ was a person, Mo was that person.
6. Tom*

Humorously enough, Tom* was the one that my friend did not try to set me up with. I met him when I was highly intoxicated, so I was much bolder than I would have been and I walked up to this man with the illusive job, and the absurd confidence and just chatted him up and it was like i was invisible. So of course it was ON. I love a good chase. (Therrraaappppyyyyyy?) Long story short, I had him hooked by the end of the night. I really can spit game when I try (read: have consumed enough rum). He was very exciting and this perfect mix between gentleman and sass and it was great. Unfortunately his job and my job ramped up around the same time, and I didn’t really get to be around him much after the summer. I don’t have much to say negatively about the guy, but he is the only person who has gotten me to wear a Clemson shirt.

7. Omar*

Ladies and gentlemen. Boys and girls. This is the story that encompasses the very inspiration for this blog. The main event, the posterchild, the marquee boy from the class of 2019-2020. Without further ado, please give a warm welcome to Omar.

So I went out with a (different) friend this Halloween, went to a concert, dressed as Blank Space Taylor Swift (the nightmare, not the daydream obviously), and was living my best life. For those of you who don’t know, I. Fucking. Love. Halloween.

I was at a bar in the Vista with this friend and was scouting out men, as one does, and judging their costumes, as Karina does. And then what to my wondering eyes appears? A guy in a baseball uniform. Naturally, my cleat chaser self started smacking my friend going “omg, that one, that one.”

So for those of you who have not seen How I Met Your Mother, Barney and Ted play this game called “haaaave you met Ted?” where they grab some chick at a bar and Barney introduces him that way and walks away. WELL my lovely wonderful friend did that for me, and bam, I was talking to this man in a baseball uniform. He was very nice and could hold a conversation (rookie mistake thinking a man I’m interested in who is also a baseball player could hold a conversation) and we spent the whole night hanging out with each other and it was so nice.

I kinda figured he would be out of the picture, but he texted me wanting to set up a date. (ROOKIE MISTAKE KARINA.) We went to one of my all-time favorite restaurants, BJ’s, and if you know anything about the place, the menu is absurd. Just absolutely absurd. SO many choices. So I turned to this man (and this story is not near as funny when I type it out because you can see the punchline coming) and ask him “what are you gonna get?” (LADIES: this is my trick to not seem like a presumptuous asshole, so I can see the price of what they are getting and I can tailor my order accordingly.)

He says “you know, I’m really torn between the Parmesan crusted chicken and the More. O. Can. chicken.”

And I’m half listening, reading my menu and am passively wondering “what the hell is more. o. can. chicken?”

And then it hits me. Right as the waitress comes. I have no time to react.

Moroccan Chicken.

I have no idea what to do with this information for the rest of the night and I keep fighting with my inner conscience: ‘everyone mispronounces words,you mispronounced kiosk for the first 14 years of your life.’ ‘but i deserve to be with someone who can say moroccan’ ‘you are stupid in your own way don’t judge the poor boy’ ‘MORE O CAN CHICKEN.’

So finally the date is over, and generically speaking, he was a little much for me. Very sappy and emotional and if you know me, I would much rather have a closed off asshole and wonder what he is thinking at all times. (My insurance kicks in September 6th, I’ll schedule an appointment.) So I decided that given the amount of cling that was already happening, I would disappear into the universe never to be seen again.

I planned on ghosting him. Not necessarily in the cold turkey way, but in the less responses…less responses……………….less responses…………………………………………….no response sort of way. But then he called me out and basically said “listen I think that ghosting people is immature and I would much rather be told you aren’t interested in me, or what I did wrong, than be treated like this.” and I was like damn. okay. this guy has some assertiveness and maturity. So i told him I really didn’t think I was ready to start anything because of the Calvin situation and that I didn’t want to lead him on, and I apologized. (This is clearly true– Calvin should have to pay a portion of this copay.) We hung out a few more times (once I literally paraded this man around Calvin to try to get his attention. I was very low at that point.) He then kinda started arguing with me over this during the next few days. Basically to the extend of I told him i wasn’t interested in starting anything with anyone, he said he would help me get over it, i said i didn’t want him to, he said don’t worry I’ll be there for you, and I wanted to go jump off a bridge for believing that any man dressed up as a baseball player for halloween could be half as emotionally unavailable (read: appealing) as a real actively competing ball-thrower.

That’s when the entertainment begins though.

I cannot tell you all the funny phrases this man came up with but good god, let me give you a couple:

“I’m a closed book if you ever need to talk”

“It has been a long time since I’ve let myself like anyone; so much so I exampled my behavior to you”

“Fruit for thought”

God bless this kid. I can’t handle it. But eventually around Thanksgiving I got him to leave me alone. BUT THEN ONE DAY HE JUST FREAKING CALLS ME BACK TO BACK and texts me “Hey.” OUT OF NOWHERE. LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED!!!

And truly that is where this blog began. I started scheming around Superbowl time, (because he up and invited me to a Superbowl party…I had no Superbowl plans, sue me) that since I had zero social life at the time and this kid would clearly just not accept no for an answer, I would be willing to go hang with him (in public places) and get some blog inspiration. It did not disappoint.

Luckily this guy was not super available at this point so he wasn’t blowing up my phone except the occasional FIVE AM PHONE CALL. He is the reason I now sleep with the Do Not Disturb setting on. So essentially I texted him a few times regarding when I was going to the restaurant he worked at, or when the riots happened, etc. and didn’t get responses. So given his obsession I was convinced this dude bit the dust.

OH BUT THEN

This guy texts me out of the blue (I actually blocked a whole slew of people so I didn’t see it until I turned on my laptop) and says “I’m alive” and then “I hated not responding to you; but at the time I was talking to a girl and looking back now, I’m thankful it didn’t work out.” LMAOOOOO

So I decided I’d play a hand and said “I mean, a normal person would have just said that?” and he said something along the lines of (my computer broke this week, unfortunately) ‘i don’t understand what you’re getting’ (what?) and I said “I mean like a normal person would have just said ‘hey i’m talking to someone right now, so I dont feel comfortable responding’ Not disappear for a month and be like “surprise I was talking to someone else but I’m back now!”

And then he said (one of my all time favorite Omar texts) “Idk I guess she was the jealous type. And yes it sounds bad but I respected her wishes. Doesn’t mean I didnt wan’t to respond. I’m sorry if that doesn’t seem cool, but you would have respected me doing that if I was with you.” followed by “Anywho, if you could forgive me I’d like to get back to normal. I’ve known you too long to continue being petty.”

LET US DISSECT THIS.

“It didn’t mean I didn’t want to respond” — Is this like forbidden love? Were we kept apart in a dramatic fashion? Did we marry someone and have a secret love the whole time???

“I’m sorry if that doesn’t seem cool” — no no, it is not about being cool, it is about being a F U C K I N G nutjob.

“Anywho if you could forgive me  I’d liek to get back to normal I’ve known you too long to continue being petty” — WHAT IS THIS TEXT???? ANYWHO???? PETTY?? WHAT??? YOU HAVE KNOWN ME FOR LESS THAN A YEAR AND MOST OF THAT TIME I WAS TELLING YOU TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE??????????????? WHAT????? (I literally hysterically laugh to myself anytime I read this text. I just love it. I might make it the background of my phone.

I don’t have the texts in front of me, but I basically was like “dude idgaf, I live in greenville now so you probably will never see me again.” and he was all like “this is the worst fucking timing.” WHY???? WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN IN YOUR DELUSIONAL HEAD????

*Takes deep breath*

Okay, I’m done screaming. And laughing. and ranting.

Unfortunately, that is it for now on ol Omar (Omar is a classic More O Can name, which is why it was my choice) because of the laptop breaking. I will be sure to keep the Boys blogs more regular this time, and he will be a returning character I’m sure.

Well ladies and gents, that is part one. Part two will come very very shortly, but I didn’t want to take up crazy chunks of your time, and I felt like it would be more conducive to split this class into graduations A & B. Hope you all enjoyed the shitshow, and check back for more in the next day or so!